Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Moving locations...

OK everyone, unfortunately I had to get a new html address because this one wouldn't link up with my email address.

PLEASE come find me at my new spot and become one of my followers.

Everything will be exactly the same over there, it's just a new html and unfortunately I can't bring my followers over there automatically. Thanks for reading!!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

life

When I was in 2nd grade I got really sick. It started out like the flu. I went to the doctor and they suggested I go into the ER and get an IV. After having some fluids pumped in me and holding down a few popsicles I was feeling much better. They told me to go home and get some rest. When I woke up the next morning I was too weak to walk. I crawled into my moms room screaming and crying. She rushed me back to the hospital while I barfed stomach fluid into a dirty coffee mug. After a few days of hallucinating and throwing up more than you would think humanly possible, I started to get better. They never found out exactly what caused me to be so ill, but it was never a problem and since then I have been fine.

My grandma always recalls how she booked a flight as fast as she could to fly out and be with me. She says that she cried the whole way from Boston to Denver Children's Hospital. I hate when she says that. I don't want to think about her being sad.

Today I really understood how she must have felt.

My mom called me, clearly trying to hold back tears and said, "There is something wrong with Mom Mom's heart". She told me not to panic until they have more information. All she knew was that Mom Mom had been short of breath and having heart palpitations so they rushed her to the hospital.

I was calm until I hung up. A wave of fear rushed over me. I have a lot of life left to live, and I want my grandparents there for every moment.



Aren't they sweet??

Thankfully she is OK. They think the problems were caused by a case of pneumonia so they administered interveinous antibiotics and sent her home with some good meds. I am so thankful. So so thankful.

I'm also a little sad. I feel like this was a sign that they are getting older and I don't want them to. They aren't allowed to age. They are young- both at heart and literally. Who else can say that their grandmother was 40 when they were born?

I know that scares like this are a part of life. I know that if medical scares can happen to beautiful, healthy, 18-yr. old girls like Flicka, then they can happen to anyone. I just don't like it. I don't want to accept it. I want to fix everyone.

I guess what I need to take from this is that life is precious. I'm going to live every moment to the fullest.

I love you M&G

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Creaks

My first night alone was totally fine...until I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep. I imagined that every little creak was a footstep. I convinced myself that I left the door unlocked and someone was going to come in and kill me. I tried to talk myself out of it. I prayed that God would protect me and then felt stupid for praying to be protected from an imaginary perpetrator. When my alarm went off I was still drifting in and out of dreams. Am I the only one who let's episodes of "Gangland" and "Law and Order" sneak into my sub-conscience at the least opportune moments? But I'm a big girl and I got over it. It's kind of nice having the house to myself, but who wouldn't miss this face???



PS: I am smart enough to know that there is no way I could paint all of those cabinets by myself. Especially before he gets home on Friday. I just thought daydreaming about it was fun. Can you imagine the face he would make if he came home to sea foam cabinets???

Monday, April 19, 2010

'Bama Blues

My boo is gettin on a jet plane and flyin away today. He is going to good 'ol Alabama to check on some rockets for a few days. I'm a little bummed, but considering that Alabama doesn't sound all that fun, and that my finals are due this week, I will be staying here. I haven't spent a night alone in our new house yet. I think I will be OK. I might have to plan some homework breaks to have some quality time with my girls. That's the best thing about having no man in the house- I can fully enjoy girl's nights.

I was thinking maybe I should paint the cabinets while he's gone. I think he would freak. Maybe not...
But how great are these pictures!?

Green
Sea Foam
Yellow
Cream

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Colorado


I really love it here. I love seeing the mountains in the distance. I love how we have all four seasons and we are always very ready for the next one when it comes. I love how beautiful it is whether it's sunny or snowy. I love itching to go camping even when memorial day is still a month away. I love hiking trails. I love granola and trail mix. I love layering because the weather could change at any moment. I love that dressing up is dark wash jeans and heels. I love that rainbow sandals and keens are acceptable anywhere. I love the buds on the trees and the grass between my toes. I love that the city and the mountains are always just a short drive away.

I love Colorado.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Dinner



This is what I came home to. Yep, that's a Jimmy John's sammy and a glass of wine for me, and a Chipotle burrito and a cold brewsky for him. I just thought it was soo adorable that I had to take a picture. This is what happens when he decides to take the reigns and "make" dinner. Also, doesn't our newly refinished and reupholstered dining room table look great?!? I think it does. We make a good team.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

TV and Giggles with the Hubs

Last night we were watching Parenthood (My new favorite show, it's hilarious!), and, well let me set it up for ya.
Sarah is pursuing a relationship with her daughter's english teacher. He's pretty charming and smart. He took her back to his house and proceeded to romance her by reading to her from their favorite book. I thought it was adorable. Mike thought it was corny and hilarious. I had to inform him that I always dreamed of marrying a man like that. I imagined laying in bed and talking about literary topics and metaphors. I have always found intelligence sexy. And then he said, in his lowest, most seductive voice, "I love you like the fat kid loves cake. That's a metaphor isn't it?" We both had a pretty good giggle.

Who knew I married a comedian??

I dig him. I especially love giggling together.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Chipping Away at the Block

So lately I have been having a lot of yucky health symptoms. Just ask my husband, I have been whining about them all, including:

nausea
migraines
shortness of breath
fatigue
stomach aches
achne

Yep, all of those have surfaced in the last few weeks. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and considering making a doctors appointment. I really hate going to the doctor though, because usually they just tell you what you already know and send you home. One day I was imagining what my doc would ask me if I actually went in, and I thought of one of the questions: "Could this be stress related?'

Bingo!

Stress...that's what it is. That totally explains all of my ridiculous ailments and my moodiness. In fact, it basically explains everything.

I talked to Mike about my new revelation. I told him how I am so overwhelmed and I don't even know how to fix it. I told him how I feel like a failure because my stress is paralyzing me and making me feel weak and helpless and tired. I also told him that I know I have been really moody and cranky and that I feel bad. He stopped me with a look of bewilderment.
"You know that you have been moody!?"
"Of course I know!", I said through my tears.
"I had no idea"

How could he not know? I was just as shocked as he was. I feel like a bad wife because I know I am totally emotional and that I overreact to A LOT of situations. He has good reason to be impatient with me. I yell at him when he doesn't clean the way I would. I get frustrated when he doesn't do things EXACTLY my way. And then the next day when I am sitting around doing nothing, I get resentful knowing that he will come home and be upset that I haven't gotten anything done.

I know how crazy that sounds. I know how unfair it is. I feel awful. I need to fix it.

I tried to explain that I know it's not his fault even though I act like it is sometimes.

Together we made a list of all the things we need to get done. He reminded me that the only way to shrink my stress is to chip away at the block. The block just seems so big to me that it's impossible. Writing it down on our little dry erase board made it feel more conquerable.

Get caught up in school
Make a plan for after graduation
Clean house
Organize fridge
Lose 10 lbs.
Get a haircut
Return clothes to Costco
Clean garage
Hang garage door opener
Do laundry and put it away
Clean master bed & bath
Put treadmill together
Pay school bill

See...not so bad! Some of those items are going to be on the list a lot longer than others, but so far 7 out of the 13 are crossed off!

I am working on crossing more items off the list to make me feel better instead of growing resentful.

Once again, I am so lucky to have a husband who is so forgiving and understanding and helpful.

My day in a nutshell

Going with my mom to take 3 boys to the pool. This should be fun! I need to shower big time. BIG TIME.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Big Cloudy Choices

Thank God for the sunshine.

I went on a great walk with my mom this morning. Now I'm clean and warm.

I'm listening to the radio so I don't feel too lonely and it sounds like this...
"If you want more than, why dont you phhhhhhhaisurtbcivetuyrvqeiutytttttttttttt....
jkregtuvwy why dont you say so......"

I'm not sure what's worse, the lonely quiet of an empty house, or the wretched sound coming from my radio.

I'm thinking about choices. Mikey reminded me that I should be grateful for all of the opportunities and choices that I have. I think they are overwhelming, but I know he is right. I think I need to start with the little choices first, and then later I can worry about the big ones. Questions like "What is my plan after graduation?", and "How should I arrange the furniture in our bedroom?", and also, "Do I care if I have kids WAYYY before it's even a thought to any of my friends?"...those questions are just too much. I don't have answers for them. I guess that means I should just wait. For now I can worry about what I'm having for dinner, and which of my clothes should be garage-saled. I can handle those questions. The problem is, I keep letting my brain get clouded up with the big questions, and then I feel like I can't do anything. I lay on my bed in a big overwhelming puddle going over all of the choices and finding no answers. Meanwhile, the laundry is still dirty, my homework is still undone, and there are still plenty of boxes to be unpacked.

Little Steps. Little Steps, Kat.

I think I'm gonna go make my bed....

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Dreaming

Today I'm happy and tired...and it feels good. It was a beautiful day. We unpacked a few boxes, organized some things, and met two of our new neighbors. I did it all with bed head and the same pants I had on yesterday. That part was a little gross. Then we had a great dinner and I fell asleep on Mikey's chest. I feel intoxicated by the ideas of the life that will happen in this house. Im going to go back to sleep and dream of the memories that we will make.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My last night as a freeloader

Tomorrow we are gonna be homeowners.

I am really really excited! So excited I could pee my pants! I can't wait to put my dishes in the cabinets and hang my clothes up in the walk-in. I even bought 10 packs of 10 hangers so that they will all match and we can throw away all the wire ones. I know I'm a little cooky. I can't wait to snuggle in the master and kiss in the kitchen. I'm even excited to brush my teeth and wash my clothes there. Hip-Hip-Hooray!

I'm also really nervous. Our bank account is gonna shrink immensely tomorrow. it's also gonna be smaller ever month. That means no more random shopping sprees. No more carts full of groceries at Costco. But it will be sooo worth it. (Someone please remind me that when I'm venting about being broke in a few weeks.)

Wish us luck!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Patching

I've realized that I was too cocky- too overly confident.
I thought the strong love we have for each other would make us immune to struggles. I thought my better-than-average communication skills would steer us clear of rough waters. I thought what I have learned from others mistakes would be enough.

I was wrong.

I am learning every day. I realized that I sure don't know everything about what it means to be married. I know we have a sturdy foundation, but that doesn't mean that their aren't shallow and superficial cracks sometimes. If we acknowledge them and patch them up then they won't get deeper and more detrimental. Sometimes it's embarrassing when other people notice those little cracks or when they see the evidence of them. Public scuffles and outward frustration are not things I'm proud of. I want everyone to know how much we love each other and how wonderful he is. When they see the yucky stuff it's hard to look past.

But I'm learning.

I'm learning that everyone is learning. No one has it completely figured out. Not even cocky, confident, head-over-heels-in-love me. I'm learning to be more forgiving to others when they aren't perfect, and not to expect perfection of my own relationship.
I didn't think it would be so hard. I didn't think I would ever doubt my strength to overcome those struggles. God restored my strength.

Mike is a wonderful man. When he makes a commitment, he will stick to it no matter what. I could sense that about him when I first started spending time with him. I think that's a big part of why I fell in love with him. I know he will never give up. I know he will never let go. But then I started having a new worry. He will always love me, but does he like me? Does he want to come home to me at the end of the day? Can he look past my moodiness and still see my good side? Am I just a commitment? I was getting really scared and pushing away. It was a crack in our relationship and I was too scared to bring attention to it and patch it up.

Finally it got too deep to ignore. I kept tripping over my insecurity. Finally he noticed. He was brave enough to show me that not only does he love me more than anything, but he also LIKES me. He wants to spend time with me. He wants to wake up next to me. He is thankful every day that he married me. I can't even explain how relieved I am. I can't explain how much it means to me that he realized that I need reminders.

I am so thankful that God humbled me. I am so blessed to have a wonderful man who WANTS to patch up the holes. Today I feel so blessed. I'm grateful to have the love of my husband and the love of my Heavenly Father.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A bad feeling

I left work in a good mood. I was actually enjoying the gray weather. My good mood gradually started turning yucky for no good reason. I went to the fabric store with M to try to find fabric to recover the seat cushions on the kitchen table we are refinishing. We found nothing. When we left the store it was blizzarding. On the way home I got a call from G, he sounded really upset. He wanted to talk to M. I thought he was crying. My heart sunk and I got panicky and sweaty. Turns out he was just being impatient. Too bad my heart was still in my stomach. Mike wanted to be all affectionate when I got home. I wasn't in the mood for kisses and squeezes. I still didn't know why.

And then my dad called...

He said, "you know Flicka?"
"Of course I know Flicka" (My 18 yr. old cousin)
"Well, she had her appendix taken out a few days ago"
"Uh-huh"
"They did a routine biopsy on it and it came back positive. She has cancer."

Flicka is a year younger than my little sister. She is only 18. My sister and I split our summers between M&G's house in New England and our Dad's family in Washington state. I always hung out with Chelsey while my sister and Flicka tagged along. We were the big girls and they were the little girls. What do you do when one of the little girls is sick and scared? I really feel helpless and gross. I'm not close enough to call right now. I don't even have her phone number. I don't know what to do. I'm trying not to cry. I'm scared for her.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Sunny Rooms

How is it that some people can just light up the room? When my grandparents were gone I hated this house. It felt cold and dark and damp and it smelled bad all the time. I took out the garbage, I opened the windows, I wiped down the counters, and ran the garbage disposal. It was still yucky. I told Mike every day that I hated living in this house. I really appreciate that I am able to stay here. I know how blessed we are to have a few months off from rent or a mortgage payment, but I was still frustrated.

Now M & G are here. The house is sunny. It smells like coffee and bean soup. We sit in the living room together without the tv on and just relax. It is so comfortable with other people in the same room. Other people that love you and that you love. Other people who use the stove and fill the refrigerator and wipe down the counters. It feels lived in. I love this house today. I still wish I had a place to put my blow dryer and hang my cardigans, but I will gladly give that up to share this house with them. Actually they are sharing it with me.

In 9 DAYS I will have my own house to make a home. I hope I can make it feel sunny like they do. I think I can. Especially with their help and a lot of ideas of my own. I can imagine yellow walls and cozy blue throws, fresh flowers and scented candles. It's gonna be lovely.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Grey Area

I really don't like disliking people. I think it is much easier to be friendly. But what do you do when you have been someone's friend and they keep giving you good reasons to move on? Once you get burned enough times, you learn to stop putting your hand in the fire, right? I just feel guilt for having these bad feelings. Especially when it feels like I'm the only one who sees the negative side of that person. If God calls us to love our neighbor, what are we supposed to do if they just don't deserve your friendship? The worst part is that most of the time these people are very likable. They are charismatic to everyone they meet, and they are always nice to your face, but the second you aren't in the room they have something nasty to say. They also make snide little comments about your other friends or people you care about when they aren't around, so you know they must say the same things about you. When I see them, it is just so easy to get pulled in and act like nothing is wrong and you are best friends again, but then when I get home I feel awful for being unreal.

I realize that everyone has their faults. I realize that everyone deserves respect, even when they aren't respectful. I understand that I gossip about people sometimes, even though I know I shouldn't. I know sometimes i get caught up in drama just for the purpose of having something interesting to talk about. Because I know I'm not perfect, I try not to expect others to be. If I expected perfection, I wouldn't have ANY friends. But where do you draw he line and how do you do so politely? I don't know how to be civil with these people who have burned me so many times. I only know how to be friends or enemies. The grey area is confusing.

How do you be real and honest about your frustration towards that person while still being respectful? I think I need to figure out the answer to that question because right now I am failing miserably and making myself look ridiculous.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The luck o the Irish

I am literally giddy right now!
My ticket is paid and my accident is officially behind me!
My grandparents will be here tomorrow!
My sister will be here tomorrow, too!
No work tomorrow!
I can here kids giggling outside!
The sun is shining!
I have Irish car bombs, green beer, and lovely friends to look forward to tonight!

AND

I now have an IRISH last name. On St. Pattys!! I think I need a "Kiss me I'm Irish" pin now! I always used to think they were dumb because I'm not Irish and I felt left out, but now if anyone asks me if I'm Irish I can say, "Duh, my last name is Whelan!"

Monday, March 15, 2010

Blessed

I'm sitting here drinking a beer and relaxing after a 3 hour nap. I think that makes me pretty lucky. It makes me think about all of the ways that I am blessed. Last week I felt like crap and I didn't have many nice things to say at all so I just stayed away from my blog. Now, I'm feeling guilty for all those yucky thoughts. I really don't have an excuse for being ungrateful. I have a wonderful life. That's what I have been realizing over the last few days.

I am so grateful for the people who love me.

Sometimes I don't feel that I am worthy of being loved. But, for some silly reason they still do. Even when I'm cranky and mean and moody, they still love me. They may not like me all the time, but love never goes away.

I am still working on living in the moment. I yearn for things I don't have yet. I have to keep reminding myself that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. Isn't that amazing??

And for something to look forward to, we close on our house two weeks from wednesday. I am so so excited. I can't wait to make it ours.

Also, I heard the following words on friday night: "You're right. I was being childish and I wish I had handled it differently".

I almost passed out and shit my pants when I heard that come out of his mouth. I will never bring it up again. I am more content with that response than I ever imagined. That issue is laid to rest.

Overall, I am blessed.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Rainbow Colors



This little angel boy got me sick. It's a good thing he's so darn stinkin cute- isn't he??!! I am currently coughing up hard loogies in rainbow colors. The last one was orange and green. I have no idea how phlegm turns orange. All I know is that my cough is comparable to Tucker's (my little brother's beagle) pathetic bark.

I shouldn't be surprised that I'm sick considering that I went home last Tuesday with my favorite "tissue tee" covered in snot. Literally covered. Adults can't catch croup my butt! If it is possible, I will catch it! Maybe it's in the grown up form of bronchitis, but whatever it is, it's nasty.

The main reason I'm so grouchy about being sick is that Jenni and her brand new baby boy are flying back to Idaho tomorrow. Today was set aside for spending time with them. Now I'm going to have to stay confined in my room with only my laptop and Bunny to keep me company.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Happy Birthday Seester!!

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to my seester
Happy Birthday to yoooouuuuu!!!

I love you sis
I love that you enjoy good food and wine
I love that we are becoming more alike than we ever thought we would be
I love you because you are my only sister
I love that you told me my butt is going to grow because i dipped my steak in butter

Yes, that's right, I dipped my steak in butter. We were at the melting pot for her birthday and I thought it sounded good. Have you ever been to the melting pot? It's a very gluttonous and wonderful place. You dip things in cheese, and then in wine, and then in chocolate. What could be wrong with that? I will never be thin because I just love food too much. Thank you God, for good food. Amen.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Update

It's March!!! That means we get to move in to our new house THIS MONTH!!! Hooray! I'm gonna go to Home Goods and see if there is anything I NEED for our new house...

A few updates:
The mom car is fixed and I must say, she looks even more beautiful than before.
The little guy is wearing big boy underpants and I'm pretty proud to say there have been no accidents yet today (although he likes to wear them backwards so he can see thomas the tank engine...looks pretty uncomfortable)
I had an amazing steak last night, but was disappointed to see that Mike's beer cost $15!!!!! Never order an imported beer at Del Friscos

Friday, February 26, 2010

Pizza & Confidence

Some random old drunk guy at a party once asked me, "What kind of pizza do people like?". I thought about it for a few minutes and guessed, "Pepperoni?". "No!", he said, "Everyone likes different kinds of pizza!". Then, I thought he was crazy, but the point he was trying to get across is that just like everyone likes different kinds of pizza, every guy has different taste in women. In his drunken state he was trying to make me feel good about myself and realize that some guy out there likes his "pizza" curvy with a huge butt and green eyes. He was right. Mike likes that kind of pizza.

Lately I have been having image issues. I mean, come on, what girl doesn't!? One of my friends posted a note on fb basically conveying her opinion that women should take care of ourselves so that we are attractive to men. She was frustrated with women who expect men to disregard exterior appearances and see only their heart and mind. I have been thinking a lot about her opinion. On one hand I really agree with her. I feel confident and attractive on the days that I take the time do my hair and put on some makeup. I think my husband finds that confidence sexy. I also thinks it makes him feel good to know that I put in the effort for him; that I'm not "letting myself go". But something bothered me about that note. I'm sick of not feeling good enough exactly the way I am. I'm sick of feeling like the fat girl. I don't want to keep thinking, "I'll look good when we get that treadmill set up and I lose a few pounds", because damnit, I'm beautiful just how I am right now! I'm healthy. I'm sexy. I may look more like a figure in one of Rubens' paintings than a girl on the front of a magazine, but I'm gonna stop telling myself that's a bad thing. I'm gonna start being more proud of the way I look (even in my underwear). Don't get me wrong, I'm no plus-size model. I have the narrow shoulders and modest chest from my dad's gene pool awkwardly paired with the muscular legs, womanly hips, and big behind from my mom's side. But who the hell cares! I look good! Especially in my favorite jeans and a pair of heels.

I'm not saying its OK for me to finish off a whole box off girl scout cookies and sit in front of the TV all day. Im just saying I'm glad I'm the kind of girl who orders a burger and a beer at a sports bar, not the kind of girl who picks at her salad. That's more fun anyway.

Ladies, embrace yourselves! Love yourself exactly the way you are! You are somebody's favorite kind of pizza.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

The 'hood...

Since I was driving through the old neighborhood when I got lost on my way to the auto body shop, my dad and I were comparing "ghetto" stories. It was pretty hilarious. Especially since this is where we called home from the time I was in 1st grade-10th grade. Here are a few:

I was enjoying a nice little dinner in Burger King when a guy ran in and frantically asked the cashier for some napkins and revealed his bleeding abdomen. He had obviously been stabbed. The poor cashier panicked and asked if she should call the police or something. He refused her help and ran out of Burger King with his stack of napkins.

My sister and I noticed a lot of police running towards our neighbor's house so we started watching out the window. All of them had bullet proof vests and helmets on. My dad saw what was going on and told us to get away from the window. Eventually they dragged one of the neighbors out in cuffs. Still don't know what happened. Meth Lab?

My dad noticed a scuffle in the parking lot while he was at the blockbuster by our house. And then he realized the scuffle was over a handgun. He ducked behind a brick wall with some other customers while one guy tried to wrestle a handgun away from the other.

One of the boys I had a crush on in middle school had his own little business going. Since he couldn't drive, he would ride his little scooter down to the mall to deliver "dime bags". I got over that crush pretty fast.

...These are just a few of the funniest/scariest stories. Please keep in mind this is a suburb of Denver we are talking about- not inner city DC.

Patience


I just love this little angel boy so much. He has a great big chunk of my heart held tight in his little fist. When his mom and dad decided to find a new nanny I told my husband "it feels like I just got broken up with". He said they would realize what they had. He was right. Just like an immature high school boy who broke up with his sweet girlfriend for a girl on cheer team and then got burned, they want me back. They realized no one else could love that angel boy as much as I do. They realized how much I cared about what is best for their kids. (I bet they also realized that most other nannies don't make gourmet dinners, either.) This time I'm back on my own terms.

Looking into his sweet eyes makes me want my own. If I can love him so much, I can't imagine how much I would love one that I helped make. One I don't have to give back at the end of the day. Mike gets frustrated when I think this way. He is the practical one of the two of us. He tells me "be patient". He thinks about his car that is about to break down. He thinks about the mortgage payment we will be paying in a few weeks. He thinks about my "career". I don't care about all of that. I just want an angel boy of my own to hold. But I know Mike is right.... I will try to be patient.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Periwinkle, Angel Boy, and Bubble Tea

The mom car is going to get her boo boos all fixed up today! AND... I got to spend the day with my angel boy. He was so precious. He even gave me a big wet kiss on the cheek when I tucked him in for nap.
I also bought two cardigans at Target this morning. Oops! shhhhh...don't tell Mike. They are just SO cute. One is periwinkle and has little flower appliques on it. How could I resist that?!

Now I'm going to drive my car to the auto body shop and pick up LOLLICUP on the way. I just can't resist a bubble tea when I am in the asian part of town. 2nd time this week. :/

I hope you are all having a periwinkle kind of Tuesday like I am. Enjoy!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Old Neighborhood

My grandparents house (where we are staying) is right smack dab in my old neighborhood-my old stomping ground. In fact, they live right across the street from my dad. I went to high school in this neighborhood. I had plenty of friendships and memories and let downs in this neighborhood. I got my first speeding ticket right down the street. I got my hair highlighted the first time (red, chocolate, and bleach-blonde all at once. What was I thinking?) a few intersections down the road. I peed in the school parking lot. I even screamed profanities at the sky in that parking lot with my dear Bajo when we were having a particularly bad night. My car got egged in this neighborhood. I sledded on a toboggan roped to the back of a car in this neighborhood. I got drunk with my mom the first time in this neighborhood. You get the picture...

Well being back feels weird. I was pretty comfortable going out with my hair in a knot and minimal make up on when I left our apartment to run errands. But now, in this place, I better not go out without looking great because goodness knows I will run into someone I know. It might be the cool girl whose expensive clothes I always coveted. It might be the cute boy my little sister went to prom with. It could even be one of my teachers or someone I hated, but I still would be mortified to run into someone looking like a hobo.

Call me vain but it's the truth. And I bet you can relate. I can't wait until I move to a place where no one knows me. Then I can leave the house not only looking bad but smelling bad too! hahahaha

Friday, February 19, 2010

My Girls

Where my girls, where my girls, where my girls at!?

On Wednesday I had a nice little shopping trip with two of my girls and Ben (he counts). Shopping wasn't so great because I can't seem to fight off this cold, but the ride home was lovely. I was reminded how you can find some wisdom in unexpected places. The ladies gave me some great advice that I plan on following as soon as I can drag myself out of bed. It felt great to have people to bounce ideas off of. I was worried that I would be met with criticism, but instead they offered me advice from their own experiences along with a healthy dose of support. Isn't that great? So here is a little shout out to some of my girls:

Som: Somer is my bestest, longest friend. No matter how long we go without seeing each other, we are still always there for each other. I admire her drive and discipline. She is the only one who could understand what a lot of things were like for me growing up. Not only was she there, but she also went through most of them herself. We have an unspoken understanding of each others families.

Hannah: Hannah learns from (most of) her past experiences. She is always more than willing to offer advice and give you a game plan to solve your problems. Sometimes I wish she would follow my game plan for her, but that's just life, isn't it? You have to learn on your own. Hannah has a heart of gold and strives to find truth.

Ben: I know he doesn't quite have the right parts to qualify for this post, but he will always be one of the girls. Sometimes I get embarrassed when Ben dances and sings in Target, but that's what's so wonderful about him. He always lets his presence shine through. Plus, I get a personal musical performance anywhere we go. I love doing normal things with Ben like cooking or grocery shopping. He makes life a little more spicy. I think he would be a great wife. How do you think Mike would feel about me having a husband and a wife?

Katie: My twin. Katie and I both yearn for romance and independence. We try to fight our womanly voice telling us to put everyone else first. I think she's better at that than I am. She will be the art teacher I wanted to be, and I am the wife she wants to be one day. When she finds the right guy, she will be a great wife AND a great art teacher. She will have the best of both worlds. Katie, thanks for helping me remember to be an independent woman.

Jenni: Jenni pretty much gave me 80 heart-attacks in high school. She scared the be-jesus out of me more than once. My favorite quality about Jenni is her spirit. She makes ANYTHING fun. I could be cleaning toilets with Jenni and I would be laughing my ass off. I love our adventures.

Lindsay: I think Lindsay is my soul mate. Haha. Too bad she lives half way across the stinkin world. I hope she comes back to me soon. I really love how smart and loving and non-dramatic Lindsay is. She is so helpful and the most grown-up of all of us. I really dig her. She keeps me grounded.

My sis: There are no words for sisterly love. My sister worries me, scares me, loves me, and surprises me. I am so proud of her. I know that even though she hasn't tamed her wild side yet, she always makes smart and safe choices. I can trust that she is going to have an amazing future.

Chels: My cousin is a mystery to me. i can read her better than she thinks I can, but she never actually tells me everything. Chelsey is unbelievably encouraging, She has high standards for herself that make me want to be a better me.

Bajo: My free spirit. She takes independent woman to a whole new wonderful level. Her potential reaches the tops of those sky scrapers out in NYC. Katheryn displays beauty, grace, and femininity wherever she goes. She says that I helped her learn to keep an open mind. Now she is teaching me how.

Love you ladies!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

mixed up

It's Valentine's Day
Or as my in laws would call it, "St. Valentine's Day"
Maybe if I went to church today I would have learned about this St. Valentine
But I didn't...Instead I got an ab work out mopping floors and scrubbing countertops
We are all moved out of the apartment. It looks really white and stark without all of our things. Part of me was sad to see it so bare, and part of me was glad that we are done.

Tonight we had a traditional St. Patty's dinner. Corned beef and cabbage. On V-day. We are all mixed up. It's Ok though because I hate Valentine's Day. I think it's a dumb Hallmark holiday that was publicized to make money. If I'm gonna be romanced it better not be because of some stupid holiday.
PS: Mike and I have been together for almost 4 years and I have only received flowers twice. TWICE! That's good enough reason to hate Valentine's day. I think he needs to step the romancing up big time. What do you think? Good thing I love him.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I used the words "dig" and "rad" in this post...

My grandparents are amazing. They decided on Thursday afternoon that it would be fun to fly in and help us with our "design center" appointment on Friday. They bought tickets on Thursday night and flew in at the crack of dawn on Friday morning. How cool is that!?
We picked out some pretty rad stuff:
granite tile counter tops
18" ceramic tile for the floors in the living area, kitchen, and master bath
stainless steel appliances
soft fuzzy carpet for the bedrooms

I'm pretty excited about our brand-spankin-new house.
But....we have to wait until March. For now...we are packing all our mumbo jumbo and moving into the wonderful grandparents house.
There are literally boxes and piles surrounding me right this second. I can't wait to get out of this mess.

By the way...a chiropractor my mom works for offered me a job. I told him ok and then I went home and cried. I had already committed to painting his bathroom yesterday so I showed up in my paint jeans and painted his bathroom and then basically said "Thanks for the job, but no thanks". Today he called my mom and asked what he did to scare me away. He didn't scare me away. I just went home and had one of those meltdowns I have talked about before. Here's why:
I am a full time student and I really need to focus on school. Like for real. I'm taking responsibility for the fact that I have been slacking big time. I would RATHER work than do school, but that's the problem. When I have a job I put all of my effort into it and neglect my school work. I also just spent a pretty penny on a new spray tan machine and have been planning on putting effort into making money doing spray tans. AND we are moving. TWICE. Plus, if we are being honest, the hubs is going to start traveling again for work and I really like going with him. The reason I accepted the job in the first place is because I didn't want to act like a spoiled little kept woman when in reality we could use some extra money.

Now my mom calls me and tells me the guy really wants me to work for him, so what would it take? I told her $15/hr and she laughed at me. Now I'm second guessing myself. I'm worried that even though working today sounds like hell, I might be regretting this decision in a few weeks. Should I take a job for $10/hr. when I was making $13/hr before? Is it worth my stress?

Enough about my dilemma. I need to call the maintenance guy to fix my sink and get some homework done for once.

Summary: I dig my grandparents. Anyone want to help me pack? I want my boo to come home so I can talk to him about this job. I'm going to make some business cards for spray tanning today.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Giggles

I literally just giggled until my eyes watered all by myself. I'm feeling sorry for myself and my sore throat by sitting on the couch watching Ellen. They had audience members dancing to Lady Gaga and it was really the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. Almost as funny as Ben picking up a green snotty tissue out of the back of my car and screeching as he tried to toss it into the trash bag.

Mom-Mom and Grampa are flying in tomorrow to help us make choices in the design center for our new house! Hooray!! What would I do without them? I better clean up my little apartment ASAP....

Sunshine & Love for My Birthday

There is sunshine coming in my windows and it's keeping me warm inside. I had a great night last night. It wasn't one of those "oh my goodness last night was fabulous" kind of nights. But what it was might be even better. I had almost twenty people sitting and talking and eating and drinking with me. It was casual and relaxed, and I felt wonderful knowing that I love them and they love me.

Today I am sitting in the warmth of my apartment, surrounded by the disarray of packing and busyness and lack of space. The combination of sunshine and love makes me a little more motivated to fold laundry and pack up pictures and nick knacks.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Panic Attacks

Sometimes I have these little panic attacks. I get really upset and I think that whatever I am upset about is a REALLY big deal. Then, I usually call either my mom, my sister, or my Mikey to vent.

Mom's general response:
I'm too busy to listen to your drama. Calm down. It's not the end of the world.

Michaela's general response:
Uh huh. Oh.... Alright, well, I have to go get food before the caf closes.
Michaela's response in the case that I called to bitch about someone: Stupid bitch! I would have punched him/her in the face! Gah! I can't even believe that...

Mikey's general response:
I'm sorry honey. Try to look at the bright side. It will all be OK.

So today when I had a little melt down I try to stay tough until the boys were no longer in my car. And then the second they got out I called up my mom. She made a joke about my car accident and didn't seem to notice I was upset. So I got off the phone.

and then I imagined calling my sister and having a bitch fest, but I wasn't really in the mood.

AND THEN

I realized that I was way more worked up than I should have been. I had just spent at least 2 hrs holding back tears when I could have been having another Journey jam sesh.
The best part is that I realized that the whole reason I was having this panic attack is because the hubs decided marrying me would be worth all of the drama that comes with. The drama from trying to fit in to a whole new family, and most of all the drama that just comes along with spending any time with me. I'm a pretty lucky gal. Sometimes I don't think I'm worth it. For some some crazy reason he thinks I am. Thank you for giving me such a patient man, God.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

I think I need to update you all about the last three days.

First of all I got my hair done. I'm blonde again and I love it. I didn't realize how much I missed it!

Then Mike and I went to sign a contract for "The New House". We didn't think we would get an answer for a few days, but the lady only stepped out of the room for about two minutes and then came back in to tell us that they will accept our offer. (holy cow!)

On Thursday morning we headed up to Keystone for Jake's birthday. Mike thought we needed to bring two cars to fit everything and everyone. I didn't want to drive but I gave in. We stopped to pick up the boys and they rode with me. I was relieved that I would have some company for the drive. Well, we ran into some morning traffic. The lady in front of me slammed on her brakes REALLY hard. I slammed on mine and swerved into the center lane to avoid the back of her SUV. I realized we were all OK. And then I realized that the front left side of my car clipped her bumper as we swerved. The "the rich mom car", as my sister calls it, has a pretty bad boo boo. I feel terrible for her. I AM really grateful that I had both of my hands on the wheel, that I wasn't on my phone or eating, that there wasn't much damage to the other woman's car, that I have insurance, and most of all that the boys were safe. It was pretty traumatic. I have never been in an accident before.

No we are all up in Keystone having a lovely time. I went snowboarding yesterday despite my traumatic car accident. I even drove the poor little damaged rich mom car all the way up. Thank goodness for the boys. They told me that I did a good job avoiding that car, and they played journey to cheer me up. Who would have thought 16 yr. old boys could be so amazing?

Can you believe all of that happened in the last 3 days? Me either. That's life, I guess.

Happy 16th Birthday Jake!!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Surprises

Hooray! He bought me the treadmill and was going to surprise me. But, I brought it up so much that he figured he should probably tell me so I didn't just go ahead and buy it for myself, and then we would end up with two. Isn't he cute? I feel bad that I ruined the surprise. He was being so sneaky that I really didn't think he thought we needed one. I'm excited. Other fun things I'm excited about:
*Getting my hair done today
*My birthday next week
*Snowboarding and s'mores this weekend for Jakey's birthday
*Getting this tanning shenanigans started
*Poker tonight
*Brownies in the oven

I accidently breathed in Pam and now my lungs are BURNING. I think that might drive me even crazier than mustard pee. What are some of your pet peeves? What are the things you are excited about today? What color should I paint my nails?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

This post is all over the place...

First of all, I want to proclaim my love for my husband.
I love him despite all of the annoying things he does, like....

*Swearing he's not totally head over heels for Gia on The Bachelor, even though he gets a shit-eating grin on his face every time she's on the screen
*Telling me I probably shouldn't sleep in too much tomorrow (I'm a big girl, thank you very much!)
*Leaving his chili bowl in the living room all night long for me to scrape
*Making little piles of mail and such all over every surface in our house

I really do dig him. When he gives me a kiss while I'm still asleep before he leaves for work, or when I see that he bought ORGANIC eggs instead of the cheap ones, my heart kinda swells up.

By the way; Sharon Osbourne keeps using words like "brilliant" and "attractive" on the Today show. I'm going to use those two words as many times as I can today.

Can you tell I'm unemployed? Yep, I'm nestled on the couch sans-bra and it's almost noon. At least I took out the garbage when I woke up.

Just in case you were wondering we are officially sub-leasing our apartment out. We will be moving into my grandparents house in about 2 weeks. And I'm going to start an airbrush tanning business. And I have kept those 6+ lbs off AND ditched weight watchers. Hooray! Unfortunately we might not be buying a house, but I won't dwell on that now...

What I really wanted to write about today is something I learned from Oprah and Rosie. They were discussing stepping out of your past, and living in the now. It sounds really obvious, but you don't have to let your past define you. That was really an epiphany for me. I know that that experiences shape you into who you are and you can never have regret, but allowing those past experiences to haunt you just isn't OK. It's my job to shape who I am. All of those yucky experiences and yucky people that came in and out of my life as a kid are OVER. Even the bad ways that I dealt with those yucky situations are OVER. How amazing is it that I have a brand new life to shape however I want. I'm pretty excited about God's plan for me. And so far I have a great team mate and a blank slate. I still have no idea what is in store. Literally NO IDEA. But that's what's so beautiful about it. So there, yuckiness!! Get away! I have my own story to write now. I'm gonna live in this moment.


If you're secretly reading my blog, you should leave a comment. Let me know how you are living in this moment and freeing yourself from the chains of the past. We can all use a little support and community!! Love you guys.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Birthday Princess

It's my birthday in two weeks and 1 day. I only realized last week how close it is and I'm pretty excited... despite the fact that 22 is probably the most boring birthday you can have because it's preceded by a great birthday. Let me just be honest here. I am a birthday princess. I try not to be needy or selfish 364 days of the year, but on my birthday I throw my down-to-earth self out the window and enjoy a day of pampering. This year I would like to:

Drink frozen strawberry margaritas at The Rio without worrying about how many calories they have in them
Treat myself to a mani/pedi (hopefully with some good girlie company)
Bake myself a heart shaped cake (Mike started this tradition but I'm probably going to have to carry it out on my own)
Sleep in
Take an hour long shower
Buy myself a new pair of shoes and some sexy underwear

..see, I told you I'm a birthday princess!
Now I just need to make my birthday wish list....

A new house?
A treadmill?
Canning supplies?
Yes, please!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I finally bought some things on etsy. I bought a yellow crocheted bangle, crocheted flower appliques (to wear in my hair, of course), and homemade soaps. I'm pretty excited about getting these lovely little packages in the mail. I'm sure they will add instant sunshine to my day. One of the descriptions I came across on etsy used the word apricot to describe an orange throw. Apricot. That word sent me to another place. It made my mouth water as I imagined getting canned apricots out of the storage fridge at my Honey's house and eating them in oatmeal, or on top of vanilla ice cream, or the best way- with a spoon straight out of the jar. I envisioned the beautiful color of those jars lining the inside of the retro refrigerator and the sweet smell of her house- an odor consisting of peanut butter cookies, coffee, and VapoRub. Anyone who loved Honey as much as me knows that smell like the back of their hand.

And Honey's apricots made me think of Grandma Wooding's strawberry jam. Running across the lawn in our PJs and seeking comfort on the other side of the sliding glass door. Sitting down at the table where Jesus and Mary stare at you from their frames on the wall and eating the best pancakes you've ever had covered in that wonderful pink strawberry jam and real melted butter. Heaven. After Grandma Wooding passed away last fall I had one little jar of that jam from Auntie Di's freezer that I savored like it was caviar. Even Mike liked that jam and he doesn't even like jam! And then....Tom threw it away. He thought it was moldy cherries that his mom had given him. But it wasn't cherries at all!! It was that sweet, tangy, strawberry jam!! The last jar of grandmas jam that I could ever have. I called my cousin because she is the only one who could understand how upsetting it is to have your jam thrown out. After we got over our shock, we vowed that we would start the tradition of making jam every summer.

Well, now it's December. The summer has passed and no jam. But from this moment on I vow to learn how to can (or jar? are they the same thing??). And I'm gonna can apricots and strawberry jam like its nobody's business. And I'm gonna think of Honey, and Grandma, and vaporrub, and the Virgin Mary while I do it. And it will be pure bliss.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Letting off a little steam

I slept great last night. In fact, I fell asleep in about 20 seconds flat (probably to the dismay of my husband, sorry hon!) I woke up remembering that I had promised the kids we would tie-dye today which we were all pretty excited about. I laid in bed thinking I would like to wear something comfy-cute. Somehow that translated into yoga pants, a broncos T-shirt, and a messy bun. Let me tell ya... it looked a lot cuter in my head. Instead of looking comfy-cute, I am sporting a bad combo of bed head, birkenstocks, and stained T-shirt. Ew. To make matters worse, the kids are having a cranky kind of day, and Michael's was only able to supply us with the RIT dye that now stains my hands- rubber bands would take another stop. Another stop including buckling three kids into car seats, holding three little hands, walking slowly through the aisles, and then repeating the process to get back in the car. While we were out, Mike let me know that the ladies who had been planning on moving into our apartment are now buying a house instead. Just lovely. And to put the icing on the cake Shea announced halfway through our tie-dying experience that going to the museum yesterday was a lot more fun. Thanks for the input, Shea!

Now that they are fed and having quiet time, I am winding down from the disappointment of the day. I am distracting myself with:
http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/
http://blog.cjanerun.com/
&
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=32481369

It's working pretty well. I'm starting to think more rationally and my grudge towards Mike for letting our subleaser-lessness occur is starting to fade away. Isn't it amazing what blogs and wrist cuffs can do?? PLUS I have the prospect of seeing my brand new tie-dyed shirts come out of the dryer later on this afternoon and snuggling with a sweet angel boy with bed head post-nap.

Now if only I knew what God was gonna do about this house mess. Anyone have a crystal ball I can borrow? I know, I know. He is teaching me to have patience and trust. And I am not being a very good student.

PS: Getting frustrated with the kids' sassiness first makes me relieved that I only have 5 more days left of work, and then extremely sad that I won't be "nanny" anymore. :(

Monday, January 11, 2010

Decision, Decisions, Decisions

Lately there have been a lot of decisions to make.

What house should we buy?
How much should we offer?
How long should we wait for a response?
Where should we live while we wait for a response?
How can I focus more on school?
Is it worth losing my job over?
Should I take a break from working and finish school more quickly?
When should we start our family?

So far, we put an offer on the yellow house. We offered an amount that had been previously bank approved. Still no response. Our plan now is to move into my grandparents house if we don't hear back in the next two weeks. I know, I know. That sounds terrible. No one wants to get married and then move in with family, but it's much better than it sounds. They have a great house that they aren't even living in for the time being. We are hoping that this will ensure that we have sub-leasers in our apartment, and save us some money. See, not too bed, eh?

How am I handling all of these decisions? Haha well funny you should ask. The Mister would probably tell you not so well. Last week I was a raging combination of hormones, stress, and starvation (I guess I picked the perfect week to start weight watchers). He was amazingly patient with my mess-of-a-self. And I actually pulled it together and was my normal nurturing self on Thursday when he had laser eye surgery. On a side note I am pretty excited that I get to see his sparkling blue eyes every day now.

So...two more weeks and then I will be without a job. I'm trying to look at this as a blessing in disguise, but that of course raises even more questions. Should I try to find a new job? What city should I look in? Should I take a break from working and focus solely on finishing my degree? If so, can I increase my course load and finish more quickly?? I think I am leaning towards the last option- finishing my degree as quickly and effectively as possible- but this may mean giving up my new found shopping habit. Things will be a little tight with only one income.

Enough of my rambling. Any of you who know me have probably heard all about this stuff at least three times, anyway. Sorry about that, by the way. Remarkably I am feeling much more at peace this week. And while I'm still hungry 97% of the time, feelings of anxiety and tension are giving way to thankfulness and humility.

Thanks to my friends for being patient with me when I make a mountain into a molehill. And thanks especially to my blue-eyed Mikey Moo for being my comfort even when I am a scary mess.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

New Beginnings

This new year I am going to have a fresh start. "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!" If my light is gonna shine, I better keep it burning.

New Beginnings for the New Year that will help my light shine brighter:
Respect my body
Think locally
Eat more veggies
Trust that God's plan is infinitely better than mine
Paint more often
Love where I live
Express myself
Read
Finish school (with acceptable grades)
Be a better friend
Pray

I would also LOVE to move into the beautiful little yellow house, but, of course, that ties into trusting that God's plan is better than mine.

I am inspired to re-find myself. I am inspired to live in this moment and stop beginning my sentences with "When..."
When...we move into a house
When...I'm done with school
When...I've lost some weight
When...we've saved more money
When...we have a family
When...I'm not so busy

This backwards thinking has prevented me from living in the now. RIGHT NOW. And the beginning of this year is a perfect time to start. Waddyah think??

-KW